It has been quite a while since I have sat down to blog. As always, the year seems to be running past at high speed. I cannot believe it is already November 19th. It seems like just last year we were revealing the baby gender to our family and friends through gingerbread cookie whispers and now we have a beautiful, giggly babe who is approaching 7 months old. Simply unbelievable. 

There have certainly been new discoveries in what has been a year that looks very different from the past eight years of life following college graduation. Motherhood has been exactly what I always expected it to be. Having a child that is your own is beautiful, rewarding, precious, delicate, messy, and a daily miracle that I am always 100% grateful for. Motherhood is absolutely never-ending and this I was mentally and physically prepared for (not unlike the teaching life I must say.) Despite on many days feeling a bit exhausted, within this new season, there has been such clarity. I often tell my husband that not teaching full time right now feels a lot like it did when I transferred from one college to another my sophomore year. You don't realize how incredibly busy and focused on lesson planning and emails and parents and children and differentiation and equity and inclusivity and classroom environment until you step outside of the classroom for a bit. You don't realize how chronically stressed you were for the past eight years. I feel, in many ways, that I can breath again. Not to say I didn't absolutely love my past eight years because I certainly did. I threw myself into as many clubs and activities and challenges and project I possibly could muster. When I wasn't teaching, I was volunteering or leading a club or writing a book or participating in a fellowship and through it all, I know I gained  valuable wisdom, lifelong memories, lessons and wonderful friendships and mentors. I wouldn't have changed a thing. But right now, it is so nice to spend time with my daughter during the day and not spend hours upon hours writing and perfecting and changing lesson plans during my weekend. Its been a huge-welcomed change. It's been a constant reminder that I, as a human, could not give the 100% I would want to give to both Luna and my classroom without completely keeling over. For my own soul, I am overjoyed with my choice. Xiao has also been home so much more than the previous five years. It was the most beautiful time to have our beautiful babe. 

During this season, I have exercised more than I probably ever have before. I used to be so exhausted after a full 12-14 hour day at school, that I really didn't feel like running or even walking following the school day. Though I am still very exhausted at the end of the day, the exhaustion is energizing. Since having Luna, we go only daily walks that last at least 1.5-2 hours long, and I feel connected to nature, the. universe and my thoughts. Though I'm not the fastest runner, I certainly have been doing my fair share of running as well.  Exercising brings such healthy clarity to the mind. I will always be a lifelong dreamer, and I find some of my best ideas have come through walking in the cemetery. Autumn this year in Pittsburgh has been simply beautiful and Luna smiles every time she sees the leaves tumbling down from the trees. She has been a constant reminder of everything in beautiful in life that we often take for granted. The wonderful and magical thing about babies is that they see the magic in just about everything, so it's impossible to forget that the magic exists. She spreads magic wherever she goes, and she melts the heart of anyone who meets her. 

I have been able to remain in contact with many former students and families who have sent beautiful cards and packages via the mail for Luna and myself. After visiting Hartwood Elementary one afternoon at the beginning of the school year, I had such a beautiful conversation with my third graders (now fifth graders.) They wanted to spend their thirty minutes recounting every single story and memory they could possibly remember about their third grade year. The word "nincompoop" was mentioned, when Xiao came to visit, our clay literary project, the day my student lost his retainer, spicy chips and more. I laugh thinking about this encounter because my students did not mention a single academic standard or even lesson, but they remembered all of those moments when there was laughter. Relationship-building moments are so much more important than we think. It's how we build human connection, and it is in these moments the students can really feel your love. This group was one of my most challenging across all of my years in education, and so I smile knowing that they could feel my love even though they didn't always respond with love. The stories we created were powerful. And those stories will always remain in their hearts and mine forever. 

Though on occasion, I miss conducting full group lessons, I miss it less than I thought I would. I think, for me, building a literacy clinic from scratch and still writing weekly lesson plans for my lead tutors and students has filled that void for me. I am able to conduct larger scale lesson plans for our Cultural Literacy Saturdays, and I have found GREAT joy in mentoring a new generation of young teachers/college students. Tutoring has also allowed me to explore different grade levels and connect with students in a way where I don't feel rushed for time, intense pressure when the student needs extra repetitive practice and the stress of organizing and managing six or seven different subject areas within a single day. Being able to ask students about their day or allow for proper wait time rather than feel my chest tighten knowing I have to finish a lesson or a standard by a certain date, has provided great joy. The connection has allowed me to continue to hone my craft in unique ways and even more special, Luna has been a part of it all. She loves listening to student chatter (or really any chatter) for that matter. Sharing my work with her has been wonderful for both of us. The families have been so incredibly grateful, and I have loved all of the students I have met through this journey. And had I not taken a leap of faith a year prior, I would not have had this opportunity this year. Funny how we land where we are meant to be in that particular moment. 

This is probably the most uncertain I have ever felt in my life, and I am proud that despite the uncertainty, I'm learning to embrace the unknown and look at it as an adventure with a smile. Believe me, it's a daily struggle, but I'm working to make it happen! I am an individual who is meticulously organized when it comes to setting new goals and achieving them in a timely fashion. My husband is the exact same. Right now, some of my goals have been put on hold because we will be in a new state next year, far away and on top of that, we will have no idea when or where home will be in 2025. Though I would love to say we are coming back to Pittsburgh, I know this may not be the reality, and I also know that sometimes when we force an opportunity to happen or we don't remain open-minded, we also don't allow new doors to open that need to be opened. I do have faith knowing that we will land where we are supposed to land. If there is a door that opens, and it seems like the right opportunity, we will have the courage to take that leap (wherever that door may lead to.) Most importantly, we will always have each-other. I am trying to embrace next year like Luna embraces every day-with wonder, a zest for life and a renewed love for stepping outside my comfort zone. 2024 will be a year like no others, and I am truly ready for it. 

Stopping to explore who I am again while watching Luna become who she is becoming and Xiao transform into who he is becoming has been such an interesting psychological journey. The definition of whimsy is such a perfect explanation for how I am feeling. "Whimsy has to be fully experienced in order to be fully known. It doesn't care if you are the driver or the passenger. It just matters that you are on your way." In this season of new motherhood, there is this understanding in my heart that there will be new goals and a new journey, and it is quite possible that those new goals are slowly being made known and are being fully experienced through this transformation. I feel on my way but not quite there and so understanding I am both a driver of my own life goals but also a passenger in our travels next year, is simply humbling. Sometimes a break provides the clarity needed to make or forge a different path. Sometimes that means abaonding the path previously in existence. Sometimes it means to continue on the same path but with a completely different approach and perspective. 

I am grateful for the vocational pause, the ability to study new things and inspire others around me and to my little girl, I hope you never stop wondering and dreaming. Dreaming is important for your heart, soul and mind.