It has been such a very long time since I reflected formally through a journal, and I figure as long as the little one continues her delay, I should use my time wisely! This year has been so very overwhelming in terms of understanding and transformation, reflection and remembering my vocational origin and feeling intense gratitude for who I am, who I have become and who I wish to be as a thirty-year old. I came upon a quote which I found timely and profound and it reads like this: "During your transformation, you might feel like everything is falling apart, but in reality everything is coming together for your higher good. Your authentic life is what is in process of unfolding now."

I do think that authenticity has always been part of my journey, but I do think that when we undergo a real heart and soul transformation and greater clarity is brought to our lives, our lives become even more authentic (perhaps in a less hidden way.) At this time last year, I felt very much defeated. In an effort to remain vulnerable and bring about social change, it became very evident to me that many individuals felt threatened by such vulnerability. As someone who looks at humanity with a fondness similar to how it feels when I teach poetry to my students, that too was stripped away, and I found myself doubting everything I stood for-which never feels good if I'm being perfectly transparent. I very deeply thought about leaving a profession I had poured my entire life into for more than a decade, and I knew I was at a crossroads. I could either preserve my joy and hope or remain where I was questioning my philosophy and my values but coming to no definitive conclusion in terms of where I was supposed to go in making a greater impact. Living within a crossroads is absolutely horrible for someone who is the complete opposite of a procrastinator and who is a major planner. So in the effort to preserve joy and actually search for what I was trying to find, I made the difficult decision to leave behind a nice salary and a comfortable grade level where I knew all of the standards and all of the students and had profound love for the staff and had completed all of the lessons into a completely different educational space though essentially a similar vocation. 

The humor of this year was the realizing that the pathway of where we are headed is not always the pathway we have planned for ourselves. Sometimes we try so hard to control our course without the risk-taking that in doing so, we risk missing out on a path that could bring about an even greater purpose and realization about life, love and sense of self. The beginning of this shift in placement was a difficult one and brought about much self-doubt and the belief that I had left behind something that would essentially ruin my trajectory ahead. At the same time, my husband and myself were contemplating and trying to navigate where we would land during the 2024-2025 academic year and then on top of that, I immedietely found out that I was pregnant at the end of August. When I say that sometimes our life transformation needs to happen spontaneously, I mean it quite sincerely. I had prayed for change and in doing so, I got about three! Prayers are listened to. There was doubt in terms of my vocation and now doubt in terms of where we would be heading and doubt in terms of what this pregnancy journey would look like. But I had arrived at a point in my life where I really needed the rug to be completely swept from underneath my feet. Had this not happened, my tranformation would not have begun, and I wouldn't be the person I am now-the same authentic self but also very different. 

My husband constantly says this phrase, "See, Bri- everything always works out in the end." And I now believe this phrase to be true-though its hard to see in the moment. In terms of my pregnancy journey, it has been quite beautiful. I've loved every minute of carrying life and watching the glow of our future grandparents in their excitement and simply the prospect of growing my own family after having connected and taught so many other families as an educator. It could not have happened at a better time as my husband is finally ending mandatory call in June and his schedule has been lighter than most. My students have enjoyed my belly transformation and in many ways being pregnant while also teaching until the very end has made me look at education in a completely different way (more on this later.) We worried and paced about our upcoming move, but in the end, this worked out as well. We will be moving to LA for a year, and although we will be uprooting for a year (which is no easy task), we will be enjoying a new area near Xiao's sister Jenny. Ironically, UCLA was never Jenny's first choice, but as life contains so many beautiful circles and waves and intersecting threads, she ended up there,and we will be able to join her for her senior year and celebrate her accomplishments and her graduation. Also ironically, Xiao's original gut feeling was to rank this particular program on the top of his list and low and behold, gut feelings have some truth behind them. After contemplating for about two years whether I would stay here or go with him, that decision was very simply made after finding out I was pregnant, and we felt in our hearts that the whole family should be together during this time. Afterall, as someone who realizes just how quickly students grow up, one year in the life of a babe is an important one, and we want to embark on each milestone together. You cannot erase time. You also cannot erase the opportunity to fly somewhere new. Your wings gain a different color of the rainbow with each new travel and new experience, so we are both embracing this change with open hearts. More importantly, we have been on this journey together from the very beginning...medical school applications, medical school interviews, 5 years of medical school and 6 years of residency + 1 more year of fellowship. It deserves a celebration (and some cake.)

And this brings me to my vocational journey of present time. I've worried quite deeply about these next two years in terms of leaving the classroom and of course, if ending back in Pittsburgh, landing a contract in another school district at some point if this is what I decided to do. Despite my experience, when we temporarily leave something behind, we always worry as to whether this will hurt our "future plans" or if the break will "set us back." I suppose the safer option would be to have stayed in the same job, continued with that same job and then hoped we landed back in Pittsburgh but the reality is that joy would not have been rediscovered but remained stagnant and no one can actually predict the future. Pittsburgh as a landing destination is not finalized for our family (and that is okay.) I also cannot devote the amount of time I have given to my students and 100% to little Luna. Something has to give and in being an educator, I know just how precious those early childhood years are and with my background, I want to be the one who is able to give her that whimsy just like I have given my students that same whimsy for nine years. Every child deserves THE VERY best. My mindset regarding this will never change. Again, we trust the process. 

Which brings me to the present. I was hesitant about taking a second grade job because I have a true love for older grade levels, but I surprisingly loved the shift. There is an innocence in second that is lost in third and subsequent grade levels and there is an intense growth that happens within this grade. I was able to utilize The National Board certification process of last year (as I focused on ELA) to conduct my own research project within my own classroom to raise reading levels and create (from scratch) a curriculum that would thread together all pillars of Gholdy Mohammad's Literacy book. I saw joy of learning that I haven't seen in quite some time. I had more time to teach this year, to build relationships during lunch, attend research sessions through The University of Pittsburghand to really collect data on every single student to know them through not only satellite data but also authentic street data.

I ran a two hour Literacy Club on Tuesdays, became Orton Gillingham trained, tutored throughout the week and relished in creating an inclusive classroom where students could find true joy and confidence as little citizens. Simultaneously, I used this year as a way to dive into thoughts about what I wished for my vocation to look like. While last year I told myself I could not remain an educator within the classroom forever. This year, I did not hold the same feelings. I became a better teacher because my heart was in a solid, stable and joyful state surrounded by truly beautiful students and families, and I once again found deep gratitude to be able to do what I do and do it as best as I could and to be so very cheerful doing it. I took a break from standardized tests and PSSA preparation and many multiple choice tests and shifted how I wanted things to look. So where are we now? I am very firmly an educator, and I no longer doubt that I was meant to remain an educator for the long term. Schools are the cornerstones of community and remaining an educator allows for such authentic and deep human connections. I love watching students grow and dream and conquer the inner parts of themselves they never thought possible and run after who they are as people. I often think about parallel careers where I could make the same strong connections that allow my heart to sparkle, and I have yet to find one has challenging or pure. I remain very much dedicated to the idea of social change and policy while highlighting excellent educators and diverse leaders within the field and listening to their stories. I continue to contemplate whether a career in counseling is in my future or not, but I do think it would have be connected to schools in some way, shape or form. I've also experienced a renewed surge of student voice, research, literacy and culture and find that perhaps my future efforts will be focused more in this subset of education. And through the unknows of leaving the daily "14 hour grind" of the teacher life and weekends copying and creating, I have been asked next year to provide curricular writing and consulting inside a school that is undergoing literacy transformation as an official literacy consultant, I picked up a part time job as a virtual literacy tutor through Carnegie Learning which has connected me to some beautiful ESL students in LAUSD public schools (whom I love dearly) and since have contemplated completing my ESL program specialist certificate in the state of PA next year as this is something I've always wanted to do to grow as a literacy educator, student voice advocate and passionate storyteller/listener. 

Would any of these experiences have been possible without change? Absolutely not. And it is interesting because sometimes we feel we need this GIANT shift in our philosophy and who we are when in reality, we knew exactly who we were, but perhaps where we were positioned didn't allow us to see the parts of ourselves we also knew were important and the parts of our purpose we hold so dearly. Everything happens for a reason, and I have no doubts that whatever trajectory I choose, it will be the right one. True growth occurs when we step away. And sometimes we step away from everything that society would deem "success." But success for me is not finding the "top" school district or the best numbers. It's about finding a place we can call home, that aligns to our moral, our values and our vision of beauty as humans and that allows for a balance of being both mother first and then educator.  So I hope I look back on year thirty one day and say to myself. Wow. Remember when my world fell apart and then came back together? Now look where I am. I am __________________________. 

And that blank has yet to be written.