I came to the conclusion tonight that I have always judged myself based on how much effort I put into things, how many activities I am involved in, how often I help others, etc. I have always been someone with a mind that just never shuts off no matter how hard I try. Perhaps this is due to the busy nature of schedule or perhaps this has always been what I deem "necessary" to change humanity, to change lives, to help others and to experience my version of "whimsy." Allowing a multitude of love to spread requires much effort, little rest, endless work, etc. 

A few months ago, my DNA test came back with a multitude of knowledge about my familial background but also an undeniable fact: I don't need caffeine-apparently my body is not designed to need caffeine. In addition it stated: You don't sleep very soundly. I certainly don't, and I have always pondered why. 

As I sat on my couch late tonight after coming home from school rather late, I finally just listened to my brain. The thoughts were still spinning as per usual, but I noticed they were taking more energy to spin. I wasn't just tired. I was exhausted. And every other time (besides tonight) I would have ignored such feelings. However, tonight, I decided to just give it a rest. Perhaps whimsy would visit me in my dreams. 

I woke up at 1:00 and realized what must have happened. I had fallen asleep without realization of doing so. Once again, instead of getting up to do more work, tweak a lesson plan, grade another paper, I fell back asleep. Soundly.

So what made me sleep so soundly? I cannot quite put my finger on it, but I think the secret ingredient may be forgiveness. Forgiving myself for not getting through all that I wanted. Forgiving myself for saying "one thing" instead of "another" and replaying it over and over in my head. Forgiving myself for sluggishness, for the need to sit down and the need to rest. 

Forgiveness sometimes requires nothingness in order to reach a state of whimsy. You may ponder these thoughts as I fall back asleep once again.